Idaho's Weekly Journal of Local & National Commentary Week 2815


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by Free Market Duck

U.S. Government Mint to Sell Jr. Federal Printing Presses to U.S. Citizens

(Aug 31, 2010)

Washington, DC -- In a mad dash to stimulate the failing U.S. economy with a projected fifty octillion paper dollars by December 31, 2010, Federal Reserve Chief Ben Bernanke has authorized the U.S. Government Mint to sell official Jr. Federal printing presses to the average Joe Doe on the street.  Anybody who has $99 – or can charge it on his or her VISA card – can now purchase the plates, paper, and green and black and peach and red ink to crank out the trillions quadrillions quintillions sextillions septillions and octillions of U.S. Dollars required by the Obama Administration to pull America’s economy out of its doldrums.

   “Oh boy,” cried Semantha Throckmorton of Suckatomato, CA, “we get to print up and spend as much money as we can to help Obama stimulate our failing economy.  I want a new Porsche, a new flat screen TV with DVR, a new iPhone, and a pound of Cracker Jacks.”

   “I would’ve authorized the dropping of tons of hundred dollar bills from helicopters, like yesterday,” replied Fed Chief Ben Bernanke to a joint financial session of Congress, “but the cost to fuel those choppers was prohibitive – at least until some 3 or 4 citizens in Oklahoma or Mississippi can print up eighteen quadrillion dollars in one day on their Jr. Federal Printing Presses in their basement next month.”

   “There is no reason why the citizens of the United States cannot participate in their own self-stimulation,” said President Barack Obama at a White House news conference last night.  “After all, it’s their money, their lack of jobs, their homes, their motorcycles, their under-water mortgages, their unemployment checks, their yo-yos, their hot dogs and hamburgers, their TVs and iPhones, their Government Motors cars, their national debt cough-cough and my Presidency that are at stake here.”

   The nation’s central bank, the Federal Reserve, lost control of the economy last Friday in after hours trading when the stock market crashed to -10 points as GM owed Ms. Sophie Smith ten-cents for selling her ½ share in Obama’s government car company, the S & P 500 bottomed out to negative infinity, NASDAQ hit zero, and gold skyrocketed to $20,000 per troy ounce for next December’s delivery of precious metals on the COMEX.

   “We just can’t print up paper money fast enough -- or lower interest rates lower than the square root of negative 2,000 -- to pull our economy out of a possible, but not probable, Depression,” said Vice President Joe Biden from Splash Mountain at Disneyland in Anaheim, California.  “That’s why President Obama, in concert with his White House Economic Advisors, the Plunge Protection Team, decided it’s high time for all Americans to install Jr. Federal Reserve Printing Presses in their own basements and print up as much federal money as they can so they can directly stimulate the local economy in their own neighborhoods.  The faster, the better,” added Vice President Biden.

   At the international level, the IMF is now considering selling its own official monetary printing presses to all nations so all 6 trillion individuals throughout the world can print up their own paychecks in whatever currency they desire, thus stimulating the entire global economy on a scale never before attempted – except by pirates sailing The Black Pearl in the Caribbean in 1762.

   U.S. Treasury Secretary Tim Geithner, who dreamed up the idea of selling Jr. Federal Reserve Printing Presses to the public, explained, “In the future, we envision the IMF and World Bank distributing free plastic VISA and MASTER Credit Cards to every beggar, plumber and businessman on every street corner in the world, from the slums of Mumbai and Mexico City to Wall Street.  In fact, the Federal Reserve and European Union central banks are now urging major lending institutions such as JP Morgan, Goldman Sachs, HSBC, B of A, Deutschebank, and Fannie Mae and Freddie Mac to offer Credit Default Swaps – insurance derivatives – betting that the majority of destitute beggars in Indonesia will never be able to print up enough paper money to pull themselves out of their next global Depression before Jan 1, 2012.” – FM Duck

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