Idaho's Weekly Journal of Local & National Commentary Week 2815


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by Free Market Duck

Federal Reserve to Switch to New “Scratch N’ Sniff” Currency
Nov 06, 2009

Demos want cherry-flavored Fives; GOP demands peppermint-flavored Twenties

Washington, DC  –  “Hey, buddy.  Got change for a cherry-flavored Five?” asked George Anderson as he scratched and sniffed a peppermint-flavored Twenty Dollar bill at Albertson’s Grocery Store in Boise, Idaho.

   The U.S. Federal Reserve – in response to President Barack Obama’s 5,001st desperate Executive Order to save the U.S. from its current Economic Depression -- decided late last night to replace America’s failing U.S. paper currency with 500 trillion dollars worth of everybody’s favorite flavors of new Scratch ‘N Sniff paper currency.  From now on, all U.S. paper money, which includes 1, 5, 10, 20, 50, 100, and 1,000-denomination dollar bills will be issued as Scratch ‘N Sniff flavors in order to speed up the financial transactions for America’s math-challenged citizens.

   "Americans are having trouble making calculations with the rapidly inflating prices of commodities occurring at retail stores all across America," said Federal Reserve Chief Ben Bernanke.  "We just want to help them out."

   The new Act, written by lobbyists from Fruity Flavors R Us, the Trial Lawyers Association of America, and the Printers’ Union, was passed by both houses of Congress in an invisible earmark attached to President Obama’s $1.3 trillion National Health Care Bill.

   Each denomination of the new paper currency has been assigned its unique flavor by a secret chemical injection process known only by U.S. Treasury Secretary Timothy Geithner, President Obama, and a handful of hungry 7th graders working with Top Secret Crypto Noses Only security clearances in the basement of the New York Federal Reserve.

   The new Scratch ‘N Sniff Monetary Act of 2009 specifies compliance as a two-step process:  (1) each paper denomination will be injected with a unique flavor while retaining the original numerical values still printed on each bill, and (2) after a one year probationary period of Scratch ‘N Sniff exercises conducted by member banks of the Federal Reserve, including Goldman Sachs, JP Morgan, CitiGroup, Bank of America, and the International Monetary Fund – if they are still solvent -- all future U.S. paper money will thereafter omit mathematical symbols and rely solely on each individual’s Scratch ‘N Sniff nose to detect and calculate the correct amount to pay for their groceries and all other exchanges in the market.  Plus make the correct change.

   Scratch ‘N Sniff official government flavors and appropriate fruity pictorials will be attached to the following denominations:

A $1.00 bill smells like Lemon.
A $5.00 bill smells like Cherry.
A $10.00 bill smells like Chocolate.
A $20.00 bill smells like Peppermint.
A $50.00 bill smells like Banana.
A $100.00 bill smells like kilo of Marijuana.
A $1,000.00 bill smells like crack Cocaine.

   “The math-challenged dummies from America’s public education system will now be able to quickly snort their way through complicated economic transactions at their hair dressers and liquor stores without looking like complete Bozos,” explained Senate Majority Leader Harry Reid (D-NV), who co-sponsored the new Scratch ‘N Sniff Monetary Act with the CEOs of Toys R Us and Wriggly's Gum.  “Since reading and math are not our American children’s strong suits, it’s time to dumb down our paper money by issuing friendly smelling currency.  Chocolate Tens are my personal favorite but then I like to occasionally scratch and snort, make that sniff, a Thousand Dollar Bill for recreational reasons on the weekend,” added Senator Reid.

   “That’s right,” added President Barack Obama.  “The law is blind, and now so is our currency, as we strip all the numbers and alphabet characters off our paper money to allow everyone to sniff their way through two Lemons plus three Lemons equal a Cherry, two Cherries equal a Chocolate, two Chocolates or four Cherries equal a Peppermint, and two Peppermints plus a Chocolate equal, of course, a Banana.  Ten Joints of Mary Jane, however, will equal one Nose Candy and be subject to scrutiny by the DEA.”

   U.S. House Majority Leader Nancy Pelosi (D-CA) said, “After the switch to Scratch ‘N Sniff paper money, we can change our outdated Cupronickel coins to beautifully-carved wooden nickels and other denomination coins with popular built-in flavors.  I’m introducing a new Chomp ‘N Taste Wooden Nickel Act next week,” added Pelosi as she toked on a previous $100 Benjamin Franklin.

   Wooden nickel Co-sponsors Boise Cascade and Weyerhaueser Lumber Companies agreed to supply the base wood for America’s new wooden nickels and other coinage at dirt-cheap subsidized rates in exchange for being allowed to de-forest all the redwood and pine trees in America’s United States Park System.

   Proposed flavors for the new Chomp ‘N Taste wooden coins are:

A 1-cent wooden coin, a penny, will taste like vanilla.
A 5-cent wooden coin, a nickel, will taste like coffee.
A 10-cent wooden coin, a dime, will taste like grape.
A 25-cent wooden coin, a quarter, will taste like apple strudel.
A 50-cent wooden coin, a half dollar, will taste like Peach Flambé with Amaretto.
A 100-cent wooden coin, a fake silver dollar, will taste like Cherries Jubilee.

   “All wooden coins will carry the new motto, ‘In Wood We Trust’ on the obverse side and ‘Bite Me’ on the back,” said Federal Reserve Chairman ‘Helicopter’ Ben Bernanke.  “Any relationship between the ratio of precious metals such as gold, silver, or platinum in each denomination of U.S. coins has long since gone the way of the dinosaur,” he added.

   “And ditto for gold or silver backing for our new counterfeited Scratch ‘N Sniff pulp fiction paper currency,” added Vice President Joe Biden, now on the Board of Parker Brothers, Inc. MONOPOLY and other favorite board games.

   “Excuse me,” asked little Tommy Johnson, a 12-year old student from Mrs. Smith’s 7th Grade math class at James Madison Elementary School # 787 in New Jersey, “what’s the flavor of the $640 Trillion Dollar deficit already created by our central bank, the private Federal Reserve, when they printed up ten tons of Trillion Dollar T-Bills out of thin air?”

   “I think that would be the flavor of one hand clapping,” answered U.S. Treasury Secretary Timothy Geithner, sniffing a paper Lemon. – FM Duck

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