Idaho's Weekly Journal of Local & National Commentary Week 2815


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by Free Market Duck

New Government Health Care Plan Struggling To Find “Single Payer” Name
Oct 27, 2009

Washington, DC – The recent passage of President Barack Obama’s $10 Trillion nationalized government health care plan was put on hold Friday evening as Congress struggled to find an available “Single Payer” terminology for its name.

   “Already rejected as previously trademarked or politically incorrect are ObamaCare, HillaryCare, RomneyCare, TennCare, WhoCares, I Certainly Don’t Care, NoCare, Who Gives a Rat's Ass, Single Payer, Double Payer, 300 Million Taxpayers, Govt Co-ops R Us, State’s Option, State’s Choice, UR Choice But Not Really, Federal Choice, No Choice, Federal Free Market Socialist No Cost Pinko Capitalist Commie Ration Plan, Death Panel Cardio, Death Panel Cancer, Death Panel Diabetes, Death Panel Tonsils, Death Panel Left Elbow, Dead Man Walking/But Not For Long, Medi-Gap, Medi-Gasp, Medi-Grasp, Medi-Crap, Medi-Crud, Medi-Dead, Pull Grandma’s Plug, Pull The Taxpayer’s Leg, Doc ‘N a Box, Stop ‘N Gasp, Stop ‘N Grasp, and Ding-Dong Time’s Up,” said U.S. House Speaker Nancy Pelosi, who noted that she has even exhausted such British variants as ‘Take a Number, You Dolt’ and ‘Bloody Hell No, Not In Your Lifetime, Crumpet Buns.’

   “An Official Long Term Hospital Parking and Refueling Facilities name for all patients forced to take a number and wait two weeks or longer for ObamaCare -- or whatever name is eventually chosen to describe America’s new National Health Care Program -- is also up for grabs with the following suggestions by Congress topping the list:  Stop ‘N Fuel, Pump ‘N Pay, Gas ‘N Save, Pay ‘N Go, Park ‘N Pump, Fuel ‘N Drive, Stop ‘N Gas, Get ‘N Go, Fuel ‘N Pay, Buy ‘N Leave, Fill ‘N Flee, Tank ‘N Peel, and Pay ‘N Drop Dead,” said President Obama’s Health and Human Resources Czar, Comrade Natasha Sebellius. 

   Canadian Health Care proponents in Parliament to the North have offered to sponsor an International ObamaCare Re-Naming Contest with top prizes of (1) Free Cut to the Front of the Line for a Lifetime of Emergencies Services as Grand Prize, (2) Five Slash ‘N Burn Surgery and Radiation Coupons good for Mon-Fri, 8 am to 5 pm, as 2nd prize, and (3) a No Wait Tonsillectomy or Outpatient Liver Transplant as 3rd prize.

   “We’re trying to find a yet-unused combination of English words or an acronym that conveys some definition of health care, low price, socialist rationing, and death,” said U.S. Senate Majority Leader Harry Reid.  “My personal favorite slogan that best describes our new single payer health care system is, 'Holy Shit, We’re Bankrupt ‘N Dead Now, Suckers.'” – FM Duck (national health care correspondent, satirizing The Onion, yes it’s quite possible)

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