Idaho's Weekly Journal of Local & National Commentary Week 2815


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by Free Market Duck

‘Toys R Us’ offers to bail out U.S. economy with injection of $700 Trillion in cash from Parker Bros. Monopoly Game…
Sweetens deal by throwing in Marvin Gardens

(Oct 10, 2008)

“If we can just add another Hotel to Boardwalk and Park Place, I’m sure we can turn the U.S. economy around.” – Hank Paulson, U.S. Treasury Secretary

Washington, DC – In a stunning announcement on the steps of the White House today, U.S. Treasury Secretary Hank Paulson and Fed Reserve Chief Ben Bernanke revealed their latest economic ploy to solve the U.S. and global financial meltdown:  namely, an injection of $700 trillion in Monopoly Money from the Parker Bros. game called Monopoly.

   “I get to be the banker,” said Federal Reserve Chief Ben Bernanke.

    ‘Toys R Us’ CEO, Wile E. Coyote, who contacted President Bush and his Economic Plunge Protection Team late last night offered to pull $700 Trillion in Monopoly Money cash out of 10 million unsold Parker Brothers Monopoly Games sitting on the shelves in 500 warehouses across America.

   “Our Monopoly Money cash is just as solid as the Fed’s Treasury Notes and U.S. Dollars, plus it’s backed by the full faith and credit of the Parker Brothers game company,” said CEO Coyote as he pulled the rope on an ACME Catapult and flung his ass 1,000 feet against a fake choo-choo train tunnel painted on the side of a rock wall.

   “Throw in B&O Railroad and Marvin Gardens and you got a deal,” said President Bush.

   “If we can just add another hotel to Boardwalk and Park Place, I’m sure we can turn the U.S. economy around,” added Treasury Secretary Hank Paulson.

   “You got a deal,” said CEO Coyote as he lit the fuse on his ACME Dyno-mite Rocket Shoes and zoomed off after the Road Runner.

   Meanwhile, after news of the $700 Trillion Bailout Deal hit Wall Street, the stock market collapsed another 12,473 points, leaving the DOW at negative 479, the lowest level ever in U.S. history.

   “Since all the previous bailout schemes by the Federal Reserve and Treasury Department have done nothing but exacerbate the current financial meltdown,” said CEO Coyote, “‘Toys R Us’ decided to save the taxpayers with real Monopoly Money capital and tangible real estate, including such stalwarts as Park Place, Boardwalk, Baltic Ave., Marvin Gardens, The Electric Co., and B&O Railroad.  All of our capital and real estate is backed by the full faith and promise of Rich Uncle in 10 million Parker Bros. Monopoly Games,” added Coyote.

   “The reason our new Financial Bailout Plan from ‘Toys R Us’ will work,” said Sec Paulson, “is because we know the exact price of each Monopoly Game and how much Monopoly Money cash and property comes with each game.”

   “I get to be the banker,” said Fed Reserve Chief Ben Bernanke.

   “Like we said,” continued Wile E. Coyote, “the trillions of Dollars in Play Money in all of our Monopoly Games is just as valid as the U.S. Dollar, the Euro, the British Pound, and all the other government-backed paper money and credit issued by all the central banks throughout the world.”

   “That’s right,” said Secretary Paulson.  “Technically speaking, Parker Bros.’ Monopoly Money is no different than the current U.S. Dollar and Treasury Notes.  We were delighted when ‘Toys R Us’ offered to inject their $700 Trillion worth of liquidity and real estate into our failing economy.”

   “So, can we now purchase Parker Bros. with their own Monopoly Money?” asked President Bush.

   “You bet,” said Secretary Paulson.  “We plan to inject the new Monopoly Money into every private enterprise in the nation, including Parker Bros. itself.  Just think, if the government buys Parker Bros., we can increase the amount of Monopoly Money cash -- and the value of tangible real estate such as Vermont and Pennsylvania Avenues -- in each game of Monopoly and thus greatly enrich the taxpayers’ holdings while simultaneously saving the economy.”

   “We are also offering to inject ALL the paper money from all of our other 50 million Parker Bros. board games, too,” said Coyote.

   “Holy moley,” said President Bush.  “How much is that worth?”

   “About $75 quintillion in Play Money from games such as Risk, Life, Poker, Roulette, Craps, and Whose Money is it Anyway?” said CEO Coyote.

   “Oh Lord have mercy, that should solve our national debt, right Secretary Paulson?”

   “Right, Mr. President, I’ll get right on it.”

   “This is wonderful news,” said House Speaker Nancy Pelosi as the Road Runner buzzed between her legs on the While House lawn.  “But what’s Plan B if this $700 Trillion ‘Toys R Us’ Bailout plan fails?”

   “Easy.  We simply set all prices of all products to whatever level they were in the 2005 Sears Mail Order Catalogue,” said Treasury Secretary Paulson.

   “Right,” said Coyote as he pushed the button on his ACME Rocket Pogo Stick and bounced his butt to the Moon. – FM Duck

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