Idaho's Weekly Journal of Local & National Commentary Week 2815


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by Free Market Duck

Sec of Treasury Paulson suspends U.S. Constitution, anoints himself Wizard of Oz, demands $700 billion to unclog nation’s toilets…
Will Congress assume Dying Cockroach Position?
(Sep 24, 2008)

Washington, DC – Whoa, girl friends, are you sitting down?  If not, pull up the floor and pour yourselves another hot cup of Rocket Java because you’re gonna need it before this gab session is over.

   Secretary of the U.S. Treasury, Hank “The Hammer” Paulson, and his faithful sidekick, “Helicopter” Ben Bernanke, Chief of the Federal Reserve, stomped over to Capitol Hill bright and early yesterday morning like a couple of college kids reporting to their dorm mother that they have just discovered exactly how their dormitory flush toilet works – and proclaiming they aren’t the ones who broke it.  The Dynamic Duo, “Hammer” and “Chopper,” are eager to ‘splain to the Senate Banking Committee why Congress needs to appoint “The Hammer” as King of the United States so he can clean up all the toxic derivatives floating around our economy with his trusty $700 billion bottle of Liquid Plumber.  Sidekick Bernanke, in this tragic comedy, is auditioning for the Step-‘n-Fetch-It role of Toto in Paulson’s new Fascist Business Model play called the Wizard of Oz.

   Let’s listen in to The Dynamic Duo’s comedic storyline pitched to the Senate Banking Committee on Tuesday morning:

Paulson:  Uh, like, thank you, Senator Dodd (D-Conn), for inviting us here to pull off our proposed coup d’etat of the United States of America.  Please sign here on the dotted line, give me my crown, thank you very much.  Next, I’d like to appoint my previous firm, Goldman Sachs, as Caretakers of America…

Dodd:  Excuse me, Mr. Hammer, but we have a few questions for you before we roll over and assume the dying cockroach position, if you don’t mind, sir?

Paulson:  No problem, Senator.  Shoot.  Metaphorically, that is, ha-ha.

Dodd:  What is it, exactly, that you two Frick and Frack’s want from us up here on Capitol Hill?  We’re really busy.  I got earmarks to insert and a plane to catch.

Paulson:  We, “The Helicopter” and I, are proposing, with no hint of pretentiousness, that Congress grant us Letters of Marque to suspend the U.S. Constitution and Bill of Rights, burn the Federalist Papers, set fire to the Supreme Court, buy up all the bad debt in the world, unclog our nation’s toilets, and appoint me as King of the United States with my sidekick, Chief “Helicopter” Ben of the central bank, as my official faithful servant Tonto, I mean Toto, you know, the dog, not the Indian.

Dodd:  Appoint you as King of the United States to… do what, unclog all of our toilets?

Paulson:  Yes sir.

Dodd:  Surely you jest.  Isn’t that rather presumptuous?  By the way, what’s in it for me?

Paulson:  You get to help save the country, Lord Dodd, soon to be knighted Duke of Washington-on-Potomac and granted half of New Jersey.

Dodd:  Really?  So what makes you qualified to take over the governing of the entire United States of America, Mr. Hammer?

Paulson:  The country is in dire straits, Lord Dodd.  Our toilets are all stopped up, nothing is flowing, nobody will lend anybody else any toilet paper, and Toto and I have the only solution to clean up this stinking world.  We are only asking for, cough-cough, $700 billion, this time around, to buy up all the flush toilets in the land, flush ‘em out, and get ‘em working again.

Dodd:  Holy shit, pardon my French, home TV viewers, but isn’t that a helluva lot of Federal Reserve Notes to be requesting to unclog our nations’ toilets?

Paulson:  Yes, but that’s not all, sire.  It slices, it dices, it…Toto and I – speak up, Toto, speak up, arf arf – also need unlimited monetary resources to unclog Europe’s toilets, too.

Dodd:  Unclog Europe’s toilets, too?

Paulson:  Yes, sir.  And Japan’s, and England’s, and China’s, and South Korea’s, and Russia’s, and… well, all the out houses from Antarctica to Zorro, if there is such a place.

Dodd:  Whoa, whoa, wait a minute.  Why don’t foreigners wipe their own butts and clean up after themselves?  How can we take this back to the voters and tell them to finance the unclogging of other nations’ crappers?

Paulson:  Thank you for asking that important question, Lord Dodd.  As I have ‘splained to you congenital idiots the last two hundred times I traipsed up this Hill with my hand out, if France does business in the U.S., it’s the U.S. taxpayer’s problem, too.  Do they not make French Fries and French Toast at Denny’s Restaurants?  There you go.  We will, of course, ask the European Central Bank to send us their fair share of Liquid Plumber, too.

Dodd:  So, if we anoint you as King of America and blow $700 billion to re-flush or unclog all the clogged up toilets of America, are you asking Congress to continue to pay the CEOs of all the failed toilet companies their regular $50 billion in annual salaries, bonuses, and free hookers?

Paulson:  Due to time constraints, Lord Dodd, like the market opens in ten seconds, hurry, hurry, I suggest we don’t get into that discussion at this point in our financial chronology.  Rather than discuss minor details such as dumping Habeas Corpus, the First Amendment, the Fourth Amendment, and other esoteric philosophy such as the Bill of Rights, it is most important for you and The Parliament of Whores here on Capitol Hill to anoint me as Dictator of America as soon as possible and grant me $700 billion worth of Liquid Plumber to squirt down every good citizen’s toilet and get our nation’s toilets moving again, sir.  Our nation depends on free-flowing toilets.

Dodd:  Is this $700 billion Liquid Plumber solution just to unclog our nation’s toilets or are you going to come back for more juice if it doesn’t work?  Like will your Dictatorship unclog the fuel injectors on my Chrysler 300 HEMI and all the cars in this great land of freedom, too?

Paulson:  Oh, you bet, Lord Doddering.  We demand, I mean suggest, that the very esteemed members of this Parliament of Whores sign off on an unlimited scope of funding for Liquid Plumber, Liquid Wrench, Goop hand cleaner, Simple Green, Martial Law, Rations, Bank Holidays, free women, AK-47s, and Duct Tape, sir.

Dodd:  Right, duct tape.  OK, anybody here got any important questions for our new King of America and his trusty sidekick, Harriet Helicopter?

Bernanke:  That’s Benjamin “Helicopter,” if you don’t mind, Lord Doodle.

Dodd:  Right, Mr. “Helicopter.”  All in favor of anointing our former Sec of Treasury, Mr. Ball Peen “Hammer,” aka Hanky Panky Paulson, as King of the United States of America, roll over, assume the dying cockroach position, and quack like a duck.

All:  Honk, honk.

Dodd:  I said a duck, not a goose, you dumb clucks. – FM Duck

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