Idaho's Weekly Journal of Local & National Commentary Week 2815


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by Free Market Duck

Fed scientists discover new element in Periodic Table of Elements:  Paper
(April 1, 2008)

New York, NY – Whoa, girl friends, pour yourselves another hot cup of Rocket Java.

   Scientists at Treasury University and Federal Reserve College have just discovered that the entire Periodic Table of Elements has been wrong – or, at least, missing an important element -- for the last 100 years.  In an astonishing new discovery that continues to shock the world of Chemistry and Physics – as well as Economics – Senior Scientist at U.S. Treasury University, Hank Paulson, and his scientific sidekick Ben Bernanke of Federal Reserve College, miraculously stumbled upon one of the most mind-boggling discoveries of the 21st century:  a missing element in the Periodic Table of Chemical and Physical Elements, which they dub:  Paper.

   Last weekend, while working overtime in the lab at the Federal Reserve College in New York, scientists Paulson and Bernanke discovered a new element located directly between the elements Gold, chemical symbol Au with atomic mass 197, and Mercury, chemical symbol Hg with atomic mass 200.5.  The two scientists, who double as comedians at the Treasury Reserve Comedy Club on Friday nights, named their new element:  Paper, chemical symbol Pf (short for the Latin, pulpo fiction) with an atomic mass of zero and a half life of 30.5 seconds.

   “Wow,” said scientist Henry Paulson, former CEO of Goldman Sachs on Wall Street, “imagine our surprise when, looking for a suitable monetary substitute for the outdated gold standard, we accidentally stumbled upon a new element in the Periodic Table with all the wonderful properties we were looking for:  crispy, easy to print up out of nowhere, self destructs as soon as it’s printed, Paper.”

   “Yes,” added scientist Bernanke.  “Paper has qualities far superior to gold or silver as a medium of economic exchange.  Just think.  We don’t have to go out and mine it like gold bullion.  It’s very light.  Holds its value for only 30.5 seconds.  Looks good in green ink.  You can fashion Paper into paper aeroplanes and throw them across the room.  And we can increase or decrease the supply of Paper all day long, which, by the way, we intend to do to ‘stimulate’ the sagging U.S. economy.  All we have to do is print the words ‘Federal Reserve Note’ all over the Paper, crank out trillions and trillions of it, and, hesto presto, we can flood the U.S. and global economies overnight.”

   “I can’t believe it,” said physicist Randy McDowell at U.C. Berkeley’s Radiation Laboratory in California.  "There it was, right under our noses all this time and we missed it for over a hundred years.  What else is hiding in our Periodic Table, plastic credit?”

   “I’ve been working in Organic and Inorganic Chemistry for over 40 years at the Cal Poly Institute of Technology in San Luis Obispo and never dreamed there was an element in the Periodic Table sitting right next to Gold and Mercury," said Professor Jonathon McDouglas.  "Holy Jesus, what a scientific discovery this turns out to be.”

   Already nominated for three Nobel Prizes in Physics, Chemistry, and Economics, scientists Paulson and Bernanke both expressed shock and awe at their new discovery, adding that they were just happy to be able to serve mankind and the free market with their new discovery.  “Of course, we’re just happy that the U.S. Government will now be able to save all of humanity and the housing and banking markets on Wall Street by injecting tons and tons of our new Paper into the market.”

   Subprime investment bankers on Wall Street also sighed a big sigh of relief as the good news about the discovery of Paper trickled down from the chemistry labs of Treasury University and Federal Reserve College.  “Whew, finally we can issue trillions and trillions of this new Paper to all the member banks, the non-member banks, and every man, woman, and child in the economy to spend as fast as they can and save us from a lack of enough Paper in our illiquid banking markets,” said former scientist at Reserve College, Alan Greenspan.  “This is the breakthrough discovery that we have been waiting for:  a medium of economic exchange that is truly liquid, expandable and contractable at will, stretchable like rubber, self destructs in 30.5 seconds, and easy to just print up out of thin air.”

    “Ya-yess,” chimed in current President George Bush.  “Now I can finance all the wars I want without fear of running out of money.  We can easily pay for everything the U.S. Congress wants.  Earmarks and huge deficits are no problem like with that pesky, stable gold monetary standard.  This new Paper element is wonderful news.  As I stated in my 2nd Inaugural Address regarding why we’re involved in the War in Iraq, fiction is often better than fact.”

   “Yeah,” added Bush’s Economic Plunge Protection Team senior advisor, Professor Lord John Maynard Keynes, “we think the Latin name for Paulson’s and Bernanke’s new Paper discovery speaks for itself:  Pulp Fiction.” – FM Duck

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