Idaho's Weekly Journal of Local & National Commentary Week 2815


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by Free Market Duck

Harry Potter dies on page 597... in Boise
(July 30, 2007)

Boise, ID – In a miraculous series of coincidences, Mr. Harry Potter of Boise, Idaho, collapsed of a heart attack in his rocking chair on his front porch yesterday whilst attempting to jump ahead and sneak a peek at the ending of J.K. Rowling's latest Harry Potter novel: Harry Potter and the Deathly Hollows.  Mr. Harry Potter of Boise was apparently dead set on finding out if the book hero, Harry Potter, died in Rowling's 7th and last Potter novel as has been widely rumored on the Internet.

   "I was just sitting on my porch next door turning a frog into a Velociraptor with my magic wand," said Hermione Granger of Boise, Idaho -- no relation to the Hermione heroine in the Harry Potter books, "when all of a sudden Harry just up and fell out of his creaky rocking chair, like thud.  So, I dialed 1-800-911-WAND, and then jumped on my Model 9200 Rapid Flying Broom," added Hermione, "and dashed over to administer mouth-to-mouth and wand-to-forehead first aid to poor Harry."

   Boise ER workers arrived on the scene to find Harry Potter of Boise deader than a door nail on his front porch, with Hermione sobbing uncontrollably nearby, and Harry's left forefinger holding open page 597 on which the novel's hero, Harry Potter, had also died -- killed in a dual to the death with Lord Voldemort.  Voldemort also coincidentally died on Harry Potter's of Boise front porch after he stepped out of the book for a quick peekie-boo and tripped over Hermione Granger's (of Boise) magic wand which she inadvertently had left sitting on Harry Potter's front porch on top of a recently-concocted banana peel whilst trying to revive Harry Potter of Boise.

   Funeral services will be held for both Harry Potters and Lord Voldemort in the recently condemned Parcel 7 retail space in the Ada County Courthouse taken by the Ada County Commissioners through Eminent Domain from themselves to themselves using Cryptic Partners as their Legal Laundromat to magically wash funds from the Ada County taxpayers into the pockets of various voodoo lawyers and Cryptic Partners.  Free parking for 200 mourners were also included in the same questionable Eminent Domain deal, courtesy of the Ada County Magical Mystery Eminent Domain Takings by the Commissioners, from the Commissioners, and for the Commissioners.

   FM Duck says, “Wow!  Both Harry Potters died on page 597 in Boise, Idaho on the very same day.  What a coincidence.”  Just like Eminent Domain down at the Ada County Courthouse.

   Said Lord Voldemort in his dying breath, "Holy moly, if only I had dreamed up how to use Eminent Domain to condemn my newly-built castle near Hogwart and then take back my own castle by paying Cryptic Partners $1.4 million in taxes from the Ada County Muggles.  Now that’s what I call real magic." -- FM Duck

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