Idaho's Weekly Journal of Local & National Commentary Week 2815


Home • Up • About us • Contact • Glossary • Links



Back to Quack Off

 Quack Off               



by Free Market Duck

U.S. Constitution declared unconstitutional...
not signed by its authors, or anyone else

(April 26, 2006)

"The appearance of prints of the Constitution in modern times which bear signatures of the drafters of the document does not affect Spooner's point (i.e., the legitimacy of an unsigned contract)...the intent of this latter day device can be interpreted to be little more than an annotation and not an attempt to assert that there is a contractual connotation, as in the signatures gracing the Declaration of Independence." -- James Martin, Lysander Spooner - No Treason

"The Constitution was not only never signed by anybody, but it was never delivered by anybody, or to anybody's agent or attorney." -- Lysander Spooner, Attorney (1808-1887)

Since 1677, there has been on the statute book of England, and most states in the U.S., in substance if not literally, a statute that declares no action shall be brought to enforce contracts, especially the more important contracts, unless they are put in writing, and signed by the partites to be held chargeable upon them...

...And yet we have what purports, or professes, or is claimed, to be a contract -- the U.S. Constitution -- made 219 years ago, by men who are now all dead, and who never had any power to bind us, but which (it is claimed) has nevertheless bound many generations, consisting of many millions, and which (it is claimed) will be binding on the many millions that are to come; but which nobody ever signed, sealed, delivered, witnessed, or acknowledged; and which few persons, compared with the whole number that are claimed to be bound by it, have ever read, or ever will read, or see...

...And of those who ever have read it, or ever will read it, scarcely any two, perhaps no two, have ever agreed, or ever will agree, as to what it says. -- Lysander Spooner, Attorney (1808-1887)

So your point is?
The point is:  by what authority is the U.S. dancing around in Iraq, professing to introduce a Democracy -- Alexis de Toqueville's "tyranny of the majority" -- and by what authority does the private Federal Reserve continually counterfeit The People's paper money (a supposed mercantile receipt not backed by any collateral except hot air) to finance this global excursion and 15,000 other "earmarked" deficits to the tune of $9 trillion?
-- FM Duck

Washington, DC.  --  “Who signed the U.S. Constitution?  Not me.  Did you?  Did anybody?” asked former U.S. Supreme Court Chief Justice John G. Roberts Jr.

   Cars, buses, taxis, and the entire U.S. government slammed on their brakes early this morning as everybody in the nation pointed to everybody else and asked, “Hey, did you sign the U.S. Constitution?”

   So far, the collective answer has been a resounding, “No, not me.”

   The FBI, now working illegally with Detective Harmon Tardio of the recently-declared illicit Washington DC Police Department, searched for fingerprints on the 219-year-old piece of parchment.

   “My Crime Scene Investigators,” stated Detective Tardio, “have roped off the Constitution and are utilizing the latest forensic techniques in an effort to match possible traces of DNA with the DNA of any of the American Founding Fathers who authored the U. S. Constitution.  At this point,” continued Detective Tardio, “the only fingerprints on the U.S. Constitution belong to one Jose Carmen San Diego, janitor at the National Archives Building in which this sacred American document has been locked up since 1952 like a pheasant under air-tight glass.  The titanium case is filled with inert Argon gas so the paper doesn’t rapidly deteriorate and the words lose their true meaning.”

   Ex-Chief Justice of the now defunct U.S. Supreme Court, John G. Roberts Jr., declared the U.S. Constitution null and void late last night.  “The Constitution was allegedly adopted by who knows whom on September 17, 1787, as the foundation for the establishment of the United States of America.  However, there is no valid contract between the so-called citizens of the United States and whoever claims to be their government,” declared Chief Justice Roberts.  “In general, written contracts – especially of this magnitude – are only binding on those parties who signed it, whether directly or through power of attorney.  Since nobody signed the U.S. Constitution – not even its authors – this contract is not binding on anybody.”

   “Oh no,” cried newly appointed U.S. Supreme Court Justice Samuel Alito.  “Does that mean I’m out of a job?”

   “Yes,” replied former Justice Ruth Bader Ginsburg.  “However, I think I’ve found a legal loophole in the Magna Carta that allows us to appeal through the official Traffic Court System in Boise, Idaho.”

   Early this morning, U.S. President George W. Bush, U.S. Vice President Richard Chainlink Jr., and all 535 members of Congress were laid off.  Each ex-official received a pink slip and a purple plastic watch for his or her years of meritorious illegal service.

   In an unexpected twist, a British subpoena issued by Parliament required every ex-U.S. official in the American colonies to show up to London, England, to explain to Her Majesty’s government why American rebels have been fraudulently impersonating Her Majesty’s officers in the Colonies over the last 250 years.  The British Writs were issued under the Magna Carta, a 790-year-old contract that was signed by King John at Runnymede on June 15, 1215 AD and by every upstanding citizen in the British Empire.  “The Magna Carta is still binding on all the signatories’ progeny, friends, and ye olde American drinking buddies,” proclaimed English Prime Minister Sir Walter Raleigh Budweiser the III, lifting a pint in the doorway at Number 10 Downing Street.

   “Yeah,” added Detective Tardio.  “With no American law, we have to fall back on European law, which, for one thing, means everybody’s guilty until proven innocent.  Lock ‘em up and book ‘em, Sherlock Holmes.”

   Many Congressperps illegally continued to filibuster against their early morning surprise disenfranchisements.  “What about implied oral contracts?” asked Vermont Senator Sammy Shockbuster, one hand behind his back and the other pointed toward the ceiling.  “Since we’ve been screwing U.S. citizens with big taxes for over 219 years, aren’t they legally our common law spouses or something?  We don’t need no written contract, right?”

   “Right!” voted everybody in Congress, suddenly inspired by a possible loophole.

   “Yes, indeed,” added Rep. Philmore Bureaus from Los Angeles, California.  “Since all Americans voluntarily cough-cough pay their taxes, their signatures on IRS Form 1040 -- or any of the other 200 million different tax forms -- qualify as ratification of the U.S. Constitution, right?”

   “Yeah,” added Representative Sparky Sodbuster from Montana.  “That gives us power of attorney to confiscate the rest of their sheep and cattle, too.”

   “Well, not if said sheep exercise ye olde First Amendment rights of free speech and decide to beep against us,” replied Senator Little Bo Peep from South Dakota.

   “Sheep can’t vote,” yelled Senator Walter Woolworth from Washington State.

   “Except on Wednesdays according to the Magna Carta,” added Bo Peep.

   As the debate raged on on Capitol Hill, citizens across America didn’t know whether to run red traffic lights or light up a cigarette in the No Smoking section of government buildings.

   “If there’s no U.S. contract, no valid U.S. Constitution, no Bill of Rights, then I guess I don’t have to put a nickel in this parking meter, do I?” asked Molly Metercheater of San Francisco, California.

   As the citizens of what was once thought to be the freest nation on Earth try to figure out the legal ramifications involved in this morning’s shocking announcement, legal scholars from every American university met on the soccer field at Harvard University to devise the quickest method by which every American could sign the U.S. Constitution and thus make it a legal contract.

   Dean Harvey Hardknocker of the Harvard Law School proclaimed, “I got it.  We simply FAX a copy of the original U.S. Constitution to everybody in America, they sign it, and FAX it back to my secretary.”

   “Yes, great idea,” added Professor Plum from Federal Grant U.  “And next we FAX every good citizen the Declaration of Independence, the Federalist Papers, the Bill of Rights, they initial each Amendment, the real estate broker signs on page five, the building inspector looks for termites, and then everybody Faxes their copy of the deal back over to”

   “Maybe that will work,” interjected Detective Harmon Tardio.  “But until then, we have to ask permission from Senor Jose Carmen San Diego, the only person whose fingerprints are on the original U.S. Constitution, and thus the only person who can claim --  through DNA signature --  a legitimate social contract with the three branches of American government.”

   “But he’s an illegal immigrant from Mexico,” said Senator Slim Pickens from El Paso, Texas.  “I’ll bet you two hundred dollars he don’t even got no Green Card.”

   “That’s OK,” answered Detective Tardio.  “Under the circumstances, neither do you.  By the way, my fine-feathered non-citizen, I’ll call your illegal driver’s license and raise you two phony U.S. Passports.” – FM Duck

       back to top...


               Home • Up • About us • Contact • Glossary • Links   all contents copyrighted ©1994-2015   Free Market Duck tm   all rights reserved