Idaho's Weekly Journal of Local & National Commentary Week 2815


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by Free Market Duck

IRS Audits Mickey Mouse, Files Criminal Charges

    “We didn’t know we had to file an IRS 1040,” cried Minnie Mouse, spilling tears all over her lunch of American cheese.  “Mr. Disney only pays us peanuts to star in his cartoons and our attorneys told us we didn’t earn enough to file.  We’re at the poverty level.”

   IRS Special Agent Tyrone Taxchomper the III disagreed.  “Mr. and Ms. Mouse did not file joint returns, nor did they file separate returns.  In fact, they failed to file any returns.  Nobody cheats the IRS out of income taxes.”

   “We didn’t know whether we were married and should file jointly or not,” cried Mickey Mouse.  “Nobody at the Disney studios would tell us whether we were actually married or just cartoon characters living in sin on the silver screen all these years.  I remember one cartoon episode in 1954 when Minnie and I got married and Goofy was our best man, but nobody at the Disney movie archives would pull the tape to confirm that.  The movie moguls claimed the tape broke.  They also claimed H & R Block, our tax preparers, had no need to know.  So we don’t know if we were married or not.  What were we supposed to do?”

   The IRS slapped the two hilarious rats with criminal sanctions for “willful failure to file,” a criminal offense under Title 26 USC, Internal Revenue Code of the United States.

   “They did not simply forget to file,” stated IRS auditor Theresa Taxbite the III.  “They forgot to file on purpose.  Period.  That makes it a criminal offense instead of just a civil offense, which means they’re criminals, which means they’re under arrest.  No more free cheddar for them.”

   “Yes,” added IRS Director Tom Taxbite the III.  “These two rip-snorting funny rodents fall into the same category as Al Capone and Joe Bananas of Mafia fame.  They’re A-Number One tax evaders and deserve to go to prison.”

   The two Disney rodents’ tax attorneys, Bugs Bunny and Daffy Duck, employed part time at the law firm of Looney, Rooney, and Tooney, assured the children of America that the two hilarious rats would make bail before Disneyland airs at 8 P.M. next Sunday night on NBC with its long-awaited special:  Minnie and the Tax-Free Killer Cheesecake.

   “Mickey,” added attorney Daffy Duck, “will make a cameo appearance in the Disney special as Minnie’s common law husband who is fatally shot by the FBI as he and Minnie attempt to eat a giant cheesecake and file a joint 1040 tax return with an attached Schedule A, detailing $4.5 million worth of itemized tax deductions.”

   Cartoon characters at Disney and other cartoon studios hastily called their tax attorneys to ascertain whether they, too, might come under the scrutiny of the IRS auditors.  Sylvester the Cat at Looney Toons quickly sent a notarized affidavit to the IRS from his attorneys at Looney, Rooney, and Tooney swearing that he properly claimed only 40% of Tweety Bird as a business lunch and washed Tweety down with only two martinis, shaken not stirred.  “Thufferin thuccatash, and thath’s the truth,” responded Sylvester to questions by reporters at a hastily called noon press conference.  Picking his teeth with a yellow canary feather, a muffled voice echoed between the teeth of Sylvester’s oversized grin at the news conference, “Hey, I tawt I taw a Puddy Tat.”

   Other cartoon celebrities decided to exit stage left on the earliest flight to Rio de Janeiro.  Checking their bags at the LA Airport, Donald Duck – along with Huey, Dewey, Louie, Daisy, Uncle Scrooge McDuck, and Pluto – told reporters as they ran through the metal detectors that their 16 suitcases were not stuffed full of U.S. Federal Reserve Notes, and the diamond rings on everybody’s six fingers and thumbs were not tricky methods by which to cleverly sneak millions of dollars to the Cayman Islands on the way to Rio.  “Hey, we’re broke.  Get outta our way,” yelled Donald as he strong-armed his way through the baggage checkers.

   Meanwhile, Mickey and Minnie were released on bail of 5.7 million Cheezos.  “Those rats think they’re pretty funny, but they will never get away with cheating the U.S. government,” said IRS Director Taxbite the III.  “Everybody has to pay their income taxes.”

   “Baloney,” responded Goofy, long-time friend of the two rodents.  “According to a Declaratory Judgment issued by the Federal District Court in the Ninth Circuit, the 16th Amendment to the U.S. Constitution is invalid, the Federal Reserve Act of 1913 is unconstitutional as applied to State citizens, the Cold Reserve Act of 1934 is fraudulently unconstitutional, and Title 26 USC (Internal Revenue Code) applies only to the Federal United States, not to the citizens of the 50 States.”

   “Besides,” added Mickey, “the Federal government just throws our tax money down a big rat hole anyway.”

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