Idaho's Weekly Journal of Local & National Commentary Week 2815


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by Free Market Duck

New Energy Source Discovered In Washington DC
Oil Stocks Plunge

   Scientists visiting Washington DC this week accidentally stumbled upon a new source of energy so concentrated that it threatens to blow oil back into its proverbial dinosaur pit.

   MIT nuclear physicists, Drs. Fred Fusion and Francine Fission, suffered first-degree burns when they accidentally opened the door to what they thought was a coed restroom during vacation on Capitol Hill.  Instead, they were greeted by a blast of hot air so powerful that it blew both doors off what turned out to be the 109th full session of Congress.

   “We thought it was the public restroom.  We had no idea Congress was in session,” replied Dr. Fission from her burn unit bed at St. Luke’s Hospital in nearby Maryland.

   “The blast of hot air from our lawmakers produced more BTUs than the combined annual output of all the nuclear, hydro, and coal-fired energy plants in the world,” mumbled Dr. Fusion through his bandaged lips.

   The BTU, British Thermal Unit, is the basic unit of measurement for energy.  One BTU is defined as the quantity of energy it takes to raise the temperature of one gram of water one degree Centigrade.

   “’Oh my God,’ I screamed as we unwittingly opened the door to Congress.  The blast was so hot it scorched my eyebrows,” said Dr. Francine Fission.  “The idea hit us simultaneously that we could harness this explosive new energy which, God bless American politics, we immediately coined CHA:  Congressional Hot Air.”

   “That’s right,” added Dr. Fusion.  “All we have to do is hook up a giant turbine to the doors of Congress, seal off the windows, and hesto-presto we have enough CHA to power the entire North American continent for the next 2,000 years – assuming nobody pulls the plug on a Congressperson’s right to filibuster.”

   Asked what effects this new energy source would have upon the world economy that is currently fueled by Middle Eastern oil and gas, both physicists predicted World War III.

   “We’ve already received 15,000 death threats from the oil companies,” said Dr. Fusion.  “I convinced my son-in-law to quit his job at George’s Gas Station in Hoboken, New Jersey, and apply to the Small Business Administration for a loan to manufacture hot air turbines.”

   “I shorted my oil and gas stocks as soon as I got to St. Luke’s Burn Center,” said Dr. Francine, “and re-invested the profits in windmills.  We may need to ignite more controversial national issues to keep the windbags in Congress talking nonstop and thus ensure a steady future energy supply.”

   “No problem,” added Dr. Fusion.  “I have faith that our good Senators and Representatives will never shut up long enough to drag the U.S. into any future energy blackouts.”

   Those issues that both Drs. Fusion and Fission suggested would fuel nonstop debate on Capitol Hill included:  Should we increase the Death Tax?  Is abortion OK on Tuesdays?  Do we need Shoe Bomb Inspectors at all major US airports?  Should Congress levy a tariff on the importation of cheap foreign moonlight to protect the jobs of American Electric Light Bulb Manufacturers?

   “Not only should we hook up turbines to capture all the hot air emanating from the 535 members of Congress,” added Dr. Fusion, “we should also consider attaching turbines to the doors of all the Departments, Committees, Commissions, Offices, and the entire Federal Bureaucracy in Washington D.C.  Just think of all the hot air we can harness from this year’s bureaucratic babble.”

   Hundreds of phone calls poured in from other scientists around the world, congratulating both physicists from MIT as they sat in their hospital beds drinking Power-Ade and recovering from first-degree burns.  Many physicists predict a Nobel Prize may lie waiting in Stockholm for the two scorched discoverers of CHA.

   Meanwhile, the Dow Jones crashed lower than dinosaur sludge as investors dumped their oil stocks in a feeding frenzy to snap up shares of Turbines and Such, Inc., the leading manufacturer of turbines, windmills, and propeller beanies. 

   When news of the CHA discovery hit Ma and Pa Kettle of Cactus Falls, New York, they dashed down to their local Ace Hardware store to purchase a 3-inch windmill to hook up to the window of the Cactus Falls City Council building before their 6 PM meeting tonight.

   The lone subject of controversy from which the Kettles plan to harness Congressional Hot Air is:  Should the Cactus Falls Official Bedtime Story be changed from 8 PM to 8:30 PM on weekdays, and 8:45 PM on weekends?

   The 5-10 BTUs anticipated to be harnessed from this controversial discussion would be used to power the Kettles’ 1929 Model-T Ford for seven straight weeks of hot-rodding around the back ten acres of their chicken ranch.

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